


lifeline

by torasame



Series: rogue panic! verse [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Medication, Multi, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-01-26 16:22:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21377017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/torasame/pseuds/torasame
Summary: The flowers drowned in her tears.He burnt all the leaves.All Naruto could do was blow away the ashes.
Relationships: Haruno Sakura & Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura/Uchiha Sasuke, Uchiha Itachi & Uchiha Sasuke, Uchiha Itachi/Uchiha Shisui
Series: rogue panic! verse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1596049
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi if you're sensitive or get triggered by these topics please PLEASE don't proceed any further. Stay safe and take care of yourself and if anything is bothering you please feel free to reach out.
> 
> This story stemmed from an idea I came up with a friend. I wrote it a year ago but I decided to revamp it since the writing was rather questionable.

Naruto remembered it clearly. He remembered the orange tinged atmosphere that bathed the room in the last reminders of the morning that passed. There were only three souls left on the second floor with nothing but silence to fill the emptiness that lingered between them. At that moment, the world was orange- and it was sad. It wasn't supposed to have been that way.

"What do you plan to do," he had glanced at his companions, "y'know, after we're done with school?"

Sakura looked over from the book perched on her lap, her movements were gentle and poised. Streams of smoke had passed between them from the cigarette that rested on Sasuke's lips. He had his gaze in a space none of them could touch.

"Who knows," was all Sasuke said before he flitted back into his space once more.

Sakura offered a soft smile, "I'm not really sure either." She went back to reading.

"Yeah," Naruto muttered, "me too."

Orange crashed and disappeared, leaving nothing but the blue melancholy that followed. Something else settled amongst them and was silently acknowledged. Something gnawed at his sense, something told him to say something.

The words died on his lips and suddenly, he was alone again.

* * *

_There's no sunshine_  
_This impossible year  
_

* * *

There was no more laughter in the halls. He wondered when it stopped? When had it all evaporated into the air and poured down on them like rain? The glaring lights on the ceiling seemed duller now. A journey down the corridor felt like a death march, people were all strewn away in their little groups, whispering among themselves. Naruto knew their faces well, he'd grown accustomed to them in the years of running around the sunlit fields. The images that flipped through his mind were that of laughter and childlike joy. He wondered where all that had gone.

The sky beyond the window was sickly. It had no sympathy for these children. Naruto tore his gaze away from it, opting to look over the sea of his classmates who were bent over the papers that would determine the rest of their lives. They seemed to have been carrying the weight of the world on their backs and honestly, he believed they were.

He looked over at Sakura as she flipped through her paper for the fifth time, pouring over the answers no one else seemed to have. She met his eyes briefly. He offered her a thumbs up.

"You'll do great," he whispered. Something passed over her emerald green eyes but she said nothing. She gave him a smile and turned away.

The shrill of the bell filled the room, papers were passed over and prayers were muttered. Restlessness seemed to be the new trend of the year.

"Sakura, let's go and get some lunch." He found himself spectating a far too familiar scene. Ino stood beside Sakura's desk with Hinata right behind her. Naruto braced himself- he was sure Ino knew how it would turn out as well.

"Oh, I'm not that hungry. You two can go without me," He tried not to imagine what Ino was thinking then and there. She shrugged it off, teased Sakura a bit and left with Hinata offering a shy farewell. He heard Sakura collect her things before making a beeline for what he could guess was the library.

He couldn't help but notice someone else stared off after her. Sasuke was still in his place, with a newly lit cigarette lulled between his lips and an expression in his eyes that Naruto could not place.

* * *

_Only black days and sky grey_  
_And clouds full of fear_  
__

* * *

_"What should we call it?"_

_Naruto dusted his hands off and stood back. The three of them stood side by side, admiring their handiwork despite the uneven rows of far too colourful flowers bordered with a strange mix of orange, pink and blue._

_"Maybe something simple," Sakura offered, "how about Hanabatake?"_

_Naruto pondered on it, "doesn't that just mean 'garden'?" Sakura leaned over to a blank brick and began to write characters out in her bright pink paint._

_She hummed her answer, "I like how it sounds though."_

_They unconsciously glanced over to Sasuke. He had simply crossed his arms and closed his eyes. "I don't mind." Naruto remembered the bubble of joy that swelled in his chest as he threw his arms around his friends, successfully smearing their clothes and arms in paint._

The white noise of the rain cradled the memories in its arms. He shook off the nostalgia as he raced past the incoming storm.

* * *

_And storms full of sorrow_  
_that won't disappear__  
_

* * *

The view of the rooftop wasn't anything grand. Granted, no one was really allowed up there anyway. Naruto leaned over the freezing metal of the railings, gazing over the waves of buildings that stretched as far as the eye could see and the mountains that hid the sun from them. On the days when it didn't rain the sky was dull- constantly on the verge of tears.

The clouds looked still in the sky- restricted almost. They looked to be on the search of an adventure, to be able to traverse the sky. But the weight they carried kept them there as the stagnant reminder of the ever present rain.

None of that stopped him from staying when the sun took it's leave. He remained despite the dismalness of the heavens. The stillness was an easy substitute for peace.

Naruto examined the ant-like figures beneath him. From so high up, he felt powerful- omnipotent. The world seemed so small and simple, he could sit out and watch everything happen. From so high up, he felt like he could fly.

A soft voice at the back of his mind whispered a single command that almost sounded like a plea. It was the same voice Naruto had been suppressing. He gave into it. Just that once, his foot steadied itself on one of the bars of the railings. His leg was ready to sling itself over it.

·  
_"Did you fall?"_  
·  
·

He had his head in the clouds. That's what everyone else said. He used to want to reach up and touch the stars, to float around and wait for aeroplanes to pass. But they called him childish. They wanted him grounded. They took his dreams and buried them six feet under.

They said no one could reach the stars, that they were out of his reach. They told him to get down from his delusions and so he did.

But it wasn't enough.

He didn't fall from high enough.

·  
_"Or did you let go?_  
·  
·

* * *

_Just typhoons and monsoons_  
__

* * *

_"It's gone," Sakura sniffed audibly, "it's all gone…"_

_The three stood over the ruins of their beloved Hanabatake. Orange, pink and blue bled together into a revolting hue. Stems were slouched over, others were uprooted and the rest drowned. The storm passed and left chaos in its wake._

_"I thought they would be okay…" She bent down to caress a withered rose._

_He carefully took the stem, wincing when a throne grazed his finger. Naruto wondered how something dead could still inflict so much pain._

_Sasuke responded with words that were years past him, "there are some storms even the strongest things can't handle." He settled beside them as they mourned over the remains. Sakura promptly broke down on his shoulder._

_They promised each other they would replant the garden, but the seasons passed and storms came and went. There seemed to never be a good time to let the flowers grow again._

_The seasons buried flowers and left an empty space none of them could fill._

·

_They drowned in her tears._  
_He burnt away the leaves._  
_And all he could do was blow away the ashes._  
·  
·

* * *

_This impossible year_  
__

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: Impossible Year by Panic! At the Disco  
Title: lifeline by Amber Liu  
Inspired by: The Space In Between the Balconies by spinyfruit


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> most of this was from the original version I wrote since I was okay with it lolol
> 
> Trigger warnings: pills and an anxiety attack

* * *

_ There's no good times _

_ This impossible year _

* * *

Naruto weaved his way through the bustling crowd, moving forward at the familiar monotonous click sound of his I.D being scanned by the monitor. His legs carried him through the well worn paths of the train station until he suddenly came to a halt.

He looked up from the game he had been occupied with, glancing up at the sign above him. Every inch of his logic told him to turn away, but his feet remained firmly planted on the ground, as though there was something that needed to be discovered.

Naruto forced his body forward, straying from his original line. He rushed in as the trains doors began to shut, positioning himself next to a pole, gripping onto the cold metal when the train began to accelerate.

All logical thoughts had left him as he passed the stop for  _ Meguro _ . The train drew on further and further away.

This wasn't unusual. He was sure he'd been all over Tokyo before he'd even grazed his second year of high school. He'd hop on random trains and let his conscience decide where to go next. But it was different this time.

The train's automated voice announced something Naruto barely caught. His eyes were glued to the announcements on the train monitor. He watched the charactes and  _ romaji  _ flash in digital letters.  _ Ueno Station _ .

His body seemed to move on its own as he unconsciously nudged the space next to him. Something sent the nerves bursting through his arm when it had not collided into anything- when he noticed the two seats beside him were unoccupied.

* * *

Luckily, the cafe by the station wasn't so full on that day. Naruto did not have to wait long before it was his turn to order but something seemed to draw him out into something of another lifetime. He never really consumed caffeine, he'd usually go with something sweet like a frappe but for some unknown reason, he decided to get a coffee.

Sakura would fuss over taking a picture of it first but Sasuke would mess around with the design of the syrup before she had the chance and hand the cup to Naruto. That's how he's always drank it.

He stared down at the untouched, and far too perfect design on the whipped cream. He unconsciously reached out to his phone and snapped a picture, his finger lingered over the delete option for far too long before he put it aside and took a sip. He pushed the cup away soon after. 

It wasn't supposed to taste perfectly, it was supposed to taste of a coffee sent off the edge by a snuck in piece of sugar that Sakura plopped in the cup without Sasuke noticing. It was supposed to taste of a strange mix of chocolate smeared over whipped cream. It was supposed to taste slightly stale because Sasuke insisted on putting water in it to make Naruto suffer.

He left abruptly, placing the seemingly untouched cup among the trays and empty cups. Coffee wasn't supposed to taste good, coffee was supposed to be revolting, coffee was supposed to have gone cold with an unequal balance of sugar and water. Coffee wasn't supposed to be expertly made.

Train rides weren't supposed to be silent, passengers shouldn't be ignoring him as he slumped into a seat. They were supposed to disapprove of him, they were supposed to look and him and see a child having the time of his life with his friends.

They weren't supposed to see an ordinary high school student taking a train home. They weren't supposed to see the defeated expression on his face. They weren't supposed to see the two unfilled seats beside him.

* * *

_ Just a beach front of bad blood _

_ And a coast that's unclear _

* * *

It wasn't rare to see them there in the hallways, with terrified yet veteran expressions of the students who shrank against the wall. With their fists locking against each other's jaws and stomachs. With blood dripping from their cut lips and and bleeding noses and bruises darkening on their far too abused knuckles. They fought a lot, Sasuke and him, and they weren't even screaming at each other.

But they fought and dueled, with none of them truly beginning the aggression. So their fists collided with pain surging through their numb bodies and fading far too quickly. Naruto knew that Sasuke could easily deflect his hits with ease, that he could easily win the battle and the countless others they had before.

But he didn't.

And their eyes would meet in their blaze of adrenaline, faces far too bloody yet not broken enough, and a single thought lingered in the space between them.

So when the teacher finally broke them apart, and when they assessed the damage afflicted, their eyes met for the last time.

And at that moment, Naruto swore a hint of a smile broke through Sasuke's wall of solitude.

* * *

Soreness spread like a wildfire across his limbs, it was as though it burnt the numbness away. That's how all things were supposed to disappear.

The nurse had given up on trying to stop Sasuke from smoking in the male's quarters as long as he kept the window next to him open. The smell of rain pour lingered in the subtle breeze that swept the curtains, it carried the smoke and sparks of minute flames that faded into ash.

Sasuke watched the patches of grey float past the ever depressing sky. A distant voice of a memory lost in the records of history echoed in his brain, telling what used to be a younger version of himself about how the stormy clouds were made by the cigarettes lit by the beings in heavens.

_ "Sometimes, even the higher powers have a rough time and only have a certain way of coping with it." _

_ "Is that why it rains then? Because it's how their pain is released?" _

Sasuke desperately tried to make out the blurred face. He tossed the cigar out the window with a cry of frustration.

The face would blur up and crumple like paper as the flames consumed it which left Sasuke with only remnants of cut off conversations and questions without answers. He fell backwards into the pillow, opting to fall into slumber than to ponder about something he could not change.

He shifted slightly, feeling an immediate jolt of sharpness pierce his left rib. Sasuke's breath hitched in his throat as the pain intensified as he tried to return to his original position. The numbness was replaced by the tingling in his side. He imagined the strange forces of the world laughing at his predicament and he almost laughed back. The numbness would return and he was low enough to use pain to fill it.

But it didn't matter then because he had fallen asleep without the emptiness of his soul plaguing his dreams.

* * *

"Uchiha, Sasuke."

Naruto gulped down the familiar lump of disappointment in his throat. There would never be a reply and he knew Mr. Hatake would have skipped his name if it weren't for protocol. Surely, it was protocol and not hope that Sasuke would show up that day.

He always skipped Sakura's name though, she was always there anyway.

* * *

_ All the guests at the party _

_ They're so insincere _

* * *

Sakura had told them once, she had told them about the murmurs that echoed around the school when they passed through together. Sasuke shrugged it off and Naruto had told her there was nothing to worry about.

But that wouldn't stop the taunts from circulating around the campus.

It didn't stop the stares they received.

It didn't stop people from laughing when they caught a glimpse of Naruto's examination scores, it didn't stop them from moving away from Sasuke when he passed. It didn't stop them from trying to pry through the gates of her well guarded heart to use it against her.

She saw how they swooned over Sasuke and seemed to try and get him to stay with them while Naruto and herself were never welcome amongst the "popular" kids. When Sasuke would promptly refuse, they send a wave of daggers that were undetected on Naruto's radar but pierced her square in the heart. 

The faceless culprits would beam at the sight of their test sheets and give her a small thumbs up, with a smile to camaflauge their manipulative nature. That night, they shoved a cup that reeked with various amounts of alcohol into her shaking hands.

_ "I shouldn't be doing this, besides, it's getting late and my parents are expecting me." _

But they persisted until the brim of the plastic cup was pressed against her lips and the liquor burnt as it travelled down her throat. The tears that filled her dreams couldn't quench the fire that spread in her system. Shame shadowed her arrival at the Haruno Household and curled up with her as she fell into a restless slumber, clutching her shattered heart in calloused hands.

When she faced the reflection, she nearly hurled. She heard their taunts when she looked at her forehead, she heard their insults when she looked at the excess fat that clung onto her frame. She saw what they said she was. She saw an ugly, fat and flat chested girl who failed her parents expectations and would never amount to anything worth anyone's time.

She skipped over the dining area and ran for the door. Sakura cursed her peripheral vision as she announced her exit. There wasn't even a plate on her side of the table that morning. Not that she needed it anyway.

Sakura ran. She ran as far as her unsteady legs could take her. She ran bearing the aching weigth of the world on her shoulders. She ran and ran because that was the only thing she knew how to do. She fled from their judging stares and set expectations, she fled from the glass room they trapped her in so that they could watch her every move.

The first flow of tears accompanied the memories filled her ears.

_ "Just ignore them." _

Would ignoring them really take away the pain? Would ignoring them eliminate the fact that they were there, that the daggers impaled her and continued to dig into her flesh and butcher her already battered heart?

_ "They aren't true." _

But what if they were? What if she truly failed them? What would a shield of arrogance do except blind her from the truth? What if they were right? What if she was truly just a nuisance? What if she really was just a waste of space? What if she was a truly useless?

She bolted through the bathroom door, shutting herself in the nearest stall and sank to the floor. The bag filled with books fell with a resounding thump against the polished tiles. She reached into the front pocket, pulling out the orange packaged prescription pills and pouring the tablets into her hand. She could barely count them for the amount she needed and chugged a handful of them.

She just wanted to sleep, she just wanted to fade away for a while.

She just needed oblivion. Sweet oblivion.

* * *

_ They just intrude and exclude _

* * *

_ She always found it quite amusing that Sasuke chose to sit on the railings- he always did. She was skeptical and concerned at first, but he seemed to be able to handle himself well enough. They often settled themselves at the coastline, watching the waters fade into the distant sunset. _

_ It helped calm Sasuke down sometimes. He would just sit there and watch the waves roar and crash against the shore as his cigarette burnt up and when it did, he would pull out the metallic lighter she had gotten him. His name was carved into the side. _

_ At one point, he followed her gaze to the lighter and offered a rare smile before hiding to his elusive clouds of smoke. It would be a lie to say she wasn't concerned about his smoking habits, but it got him through so much without having to seek for anything too drastic so she let it slide. _

_ Sasuke used to hassle himself with bringing a dozen boxes of matches, the teachers found an alarming amount of match waste and ordered a search. Sasuke dropped far too much weight in that one week. _

_ She got him the lighter from her visit to Switzerland in the summer of her their second year. She never really thought he would pay much heed to such a small gift.  _

_ Her heart couldn't help but flutter whenever he traced the font of his name, when he refused to light his cigarettes with any other lighter. After the incident with the bathroom- she noticed at Sasuke abstained from smoking five or more packs and settled with just one. She wanted to believe he wanted to save the lighter's fuel. _

_ Sasuke had a serious breakdown at one point in the very spot they were in. She held his hand in hers as he fought to control his breath intake. She handed him the lighter before the pack of cigarettes but halted when she realised he was caressing the metal case that held it, timing it with the rhythm of his breathing. _

_ She knew she held Sasuke very dearly- not out of romantic affections, but out of genuine care and concern. She felt the love she could never invest on her parents flow out to Sasuke and only asked for his happiness in return. _

_ Because knowing Naruto and Sasuke got along for once. Knowing that they were both genuinely happy with themselves and knowing that they finally realised how talented and how much they mattered was enough for her. _

* * *

_ This impossible year _

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 내 친구와 나는 이번 학기에 정말 좋은 성적을 받았습니다! 나는 매우 자랑 스럽다 ㅋㅋㅋㅋ


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> migraine recovery let's goo  
trigger warnings: mentions od self harm and medications

_ Screams from the distance rang in his ears until there was nothing but white noise. The stars retreated from the fire that only seemed to rise higher and higher. The sun had set the area ablaze. _

_ There was no room for oxygen, the only colours that existed were of that of the burning of his skin and the rising temperature. His senses died away as the floor gave in and his vision went dark. _

_ There was nothing left of home, just debris of memories and the history of the pure family lineage that crumbled at his feet. Tapes of yellow surrounded the perimeter containing instructions he refused to understand- warnings he did not know. _

_ People buzzing with questions, yet he fell silent. Crowds pushing toward him, yet he felt isolated. Sympathies offered, but he felt empty. Condolences with no love. Life without purpose. Money without value, names without people. Everything was there and yet there was nothing. _

* * *

_ There's no you and me _

_ This impossible year _

* * *

"You're scared."

Sasuke levelled Dr Senju's stare. There was nothing in his eyes he could offer for her to analyze. There was nothing in his soul she could reach into. He remained as he was, on the couch he has been called to too many times before, hearing the same hollow words he was supposed to take as gospel.

"You're scared," she repeated, "aren't you?"

"What's there to be afraid of?" He sneered, "I got into a fight, got called here for 'misconduct' and somehow I'm afraid?"

She jotted something down on her clipboard. "Then tell me Sasuke, what do you feel?"

There was no hesitation, "nothing."

Her emerald eyes glinted behind her glasses, "and do you use fighting to fill it? The emptiness?"

Something was prying against his heart. A soul from somewhere he had kept locked away in his mind reached out past the gates.

_ "No Sasuke, I am not strong." _

Sasuke shut his eyes, only to be met by the clearest vision of a memory he did not want to see.

"Who are the people who care about, Sasuke?"

"It doesn't matter." His blood turned to ice, his heart ached and drummed against his chest fastidiously. He was caught in an in-between. He could not tell the realities apart.

_ "Why do you say that?" How could you? How could you say such a thing when you are the strongest person I know. Take it back. Please take it back because who else would protect me? _

"You are scared," he met her eyes in the flurry. Time lapsed over with nothing but her ever still gaze that remained constant, anchoring him into the world he could not bear to face. "You think you're going to lose them. That's why you fight. You fight to prove that you hate them but you  _ don't. _ "

The earth around them was shattering and she offered her grounds of stability in exchange for the truths he had buried six feet below ground.

_ "You're never strong for losing the people you love." _

He tore his gaze away from hers. He cut the lifeline and sank further and further into the oceans depths. He could breathe. There was nothing she could save. The world fell back into place. There was still nothing in his eyes and his soul was stored away with the memories no one could ever touch.

"Are we done?" Her own conscience flickered past her eyes in a fleeting daze Sasuke barely caught. He did not wait for her response and headed for the door. A shard cracked at his feet.

He left the room with a different voice ringing in his ears.

.

.

_ "It means you were too weak to save them." _

_ . _

* * *

_ Only heartache and heartbreak _

_ And gin made of tears _

* * *

Sakura did not look up from her bruised knees and red soaked socks. The air around her reeked of second hand alcohol and the soft undertone of the rain pour to come.

Sakura saw the outline of black trousers creasing as the figure before her settled in asquat. She did not look up from his white outdoor shoes.

"Sakura."

This time, she looked up and met eyes that pierced her soul. They were like the coal of a blazing furnace, flickering with an emotion she could not comprehend. Sasuke settled himself in front of her, letting a comfortable pause fall between them.

"I'm sorry." Apologies were all that could tumble out of her lips.  _ I had to _ , she tried to communicate through her eyes,  _ I couldn't stand there and let them say those things about you. _

Sasuke's eyes flashed over in a calculating glance. It was as though there was something he wanted to say, but he immediately dropped the notion.

"Ino fixed your hair well."

Sakura felt her blood run cold, she felt suffocated under the grief and anxiety rising up her throat. It wrung its destruction around her neck and refused to let go- then again, perhaps it was just tightening its grip on her. Her neck felt bare, her forehead exposed and the ugliest features of her face open for the world to judge and see. She remembered the metallic snapping of the blades and the mess of pink scattered against the ivory tiles of the bathroom, "as well as it could be fixed I guess."

"I think it looks good, it makes you look more mature."

Sakura felt her eyes visibly widen at his words. Sasuke couldn't seem to stop himself, "it was a brave thing you did back there. It must have been a lot for you. But don't ever get yourself caught in that situation again."  _ Don't ever put yourself in danger for protecting my honour. _

Sakura held on to the brief eternity of Sasuke's emotions. She saw past the iron gates that guarded his heart, she saw past the bars as he revealed himself ever so slowly. But the metal flung shut in an instant, the wards were up and the curtains to Sasuke's soul were sewn shut. He shifted, pulling himself upright and offering her a hand.

"You can stay over again so we can get you cleaned up. We can tell your parents that Ino took you to the hairdreser."

Sakura took his hand, forcing her pained knees to move forward. The contact was cut off too quickly, she felt the last traces of warmth brush her fingertips before fading in the breeze. She felt a new weight settle on her shoulders, it was lighter, warmer, and softer. Sasuke continued forward without missing a beat, his blazer missing and his hands stuffed into his pockets.

Sakura skipped slightly to catch up to him, setting a suitable distance between the two. Their arms would brush and their fingers would be so close to each other. Even this close, Sakura couldn't help but feel distant.

Even this close, Sasuke was still out of reach.

* * *

The sleeping pills failed. The pain pills failed. The diet pills never worked and so did the depression pills. They couldn't stop the emptiness that followed, they couldn't stop the anorexia that drove her insane. They couldn't stop her sanity from slipping from her grasp. She didn't understand how much the hangover pills could cause the hammering in her head to become unbearable.

_ "Keep taking those pills so we can have our daughter back." _

Sakura ran to her bathroom sink, coughing out the undissolved pill and the water she took with it. Her hands shook terribly as she gripped the sink for support. Her vision went fuzzy, her logic went blurry. Nothing else mattered but the pills. The pills were supposed to work. They were supposed to help her. They were supposed to bring back the old Sakura, the perfect daughter Sakura. The consistent honour roll student Sakura. The polite and independent Sakura. They were supposed to bring back the pride from her parents, the love they had once spoiled her with.

They were supposed to bring back the times when all she had to worry about was when she could go out to play at the park with Naruto and Sasuke. When she could watch the next movie marathon with them. Bring back the times where anxiety wasn't a thing, when depression didn't exist and plague her dreams.

But the scars on her thighs and abdomen did not heal nor did they stop appearing. The ache on her shoulders did not lighten. The circles under her eyes grew darker- her skin deprived of a healthy flush. They did not stop reality from slapping her in the face and dragging her by the hair. They did not stop the thoughts from keeping her up at night and the fear that followed her like a companion wherever she went.

Oblivion called out her name. It called her into its arms of security and tranquility. It called her to temporary peace and she threw herself in.

Where the pills did not matter and reality was just a horrific nightmare she could wake up from. Where she was relieved of the burden of living.

Sweet oblivion sang her a lullaby of lost dreams and lulled her to slumber.

* * *

_ That tattoo, your last bruise _

_ This impossible year _

* * *

"Welcome back."

Sasuke looked up from the dimly lit entrance to the yellow light that emanated from the hall. He shook off his shoes and discarded his messenger bag by the wall. "Don't cook too much again."

He heard his older brother laugh as he emerged from his place in the kitchen. There was no hiding the blinding light of the room. He watched Itachi's face fall instantly, "you got into another fight?"

Sasuke half-heartedly shrugged Itachi's hands from his face. "It's nothing."

"Sasuke," Itachi paused momentarily before he sighed, "we'll talk about this after dinner."

Sasuke rushed passed him, "I'll help you set the table."

He stopped at the sight of the plates that sat before him. They were decently filled with mainly fish delicacies, nothing as grand as Itachi usually did when he was in his element. He made a mental recountment of the servings- Itachi had finally managed to cook a meal suited for two.

* * *

The evening passed and found them on the balcony. They sat on their steel chairs, watching the stars traverse the night sky.

"Hey, Itachi," Sasuke turned to his brother. The night seemed to echo the conversations from hours ago, "how many people do you love?"

Itachi looked pensive for a moment, "well, there's you, mother, father…

A beat.

"And Shisui?" He prompted, his voice suddenly finding the courage to utter the name. He wasn't sure if he had prepared himself for the atmosphere to shatter around them- but it never came. The air remained perfectly still.

"Yes," Itachi uttered into the wind. "And what about you?"

He shrugged, "you and I guess everyone else you mentioned."

Sasuke waited what seemed to be an eternity before he spoke again.

"Itachi?"

"Yeah?"

The wind whistled past them. "Mother, father and Shisui are gone."

Itachi breathed a sigh of pure melancholy, "I know."

"Itachi?"

"Hm?"

He settled his head on Itachi's shoulder. "I won't leave you."

The night paved way for the words to sink it.

"Neither will I." Sasuke glanced over at his brother whose gaze flitted into a space ever so untouched.

"You can love more people, Sasuke," his words were weighted with almost gentle wisdom. "You aren't cursed, little brother. I'm still here after all."

Sasuke caught a glimpse of the world only Itachi seemed to see. He saw past the eyes that were so much like his own, eyes that held up such indestructible walls that opened up ever so slightly. He did not pursue the journey as the iron gates closed before him with the key thrown into the endless abyss of the night. He already knew what lay on the other side.

"Our differences are revealed in the moonlight," Itachi continued, "I haven't the capacity to love such as you, dear brother."

Fragility cast its shadow upon his older brother, revealing the soul of a man who loved greatly but only to a few. Itachi had always been thrown around for affairs way beyond his childhood years, given responsibilities that did not belong to him. His brother was bred on the grounds of logic, made to cling onto the few bearings he had on the entity he understood as 'love,' only for it to be stripped away. They only had each other- the only remnants of what the fire could not burn away.

Sasuke drew closer to his brother, listening to the steady heart beat that reverberated in Itachi's chest. Words hung unsaid, unneeded. The heavens gazed down on them with great pity, the breeze echoed the anguish that hung in the atmosphere but the world did not listen. They had each other- it was all that mattered.

The moon retreated further into the night as the wind whispered a message from the stars that drifted into Sasuke's barely conscious thoughts.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry this chapter took so long aaa i was bedridden for a week but now i'm back and we'll see how long this burst of motivation lasts


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shiita content here  
nothing very explicit but I still want you lot to be careful  
this chap is generally about sasuke.  
I wrote most of this a year ago and added some more stuff since I stopped writing it.

_ There's never air to breathe _

* * *

Sasuke did not know when the last time he saw the world in all its colours. When his eyes say past the ever growing clouds of grey that blurred his vision from the harsh reality he did not want to see. He shielded himself with the puffs of smoke, blocking out all the too bright hues the world. His life revolved around these flames, the fire that licked the walls of his memory of nights spent creating massive bonfires. He remembered the smores Itachi used to melt by them so effortlessly- how he watched his older brother and Shisui light the spectacular firework shows. The Uchiha family were famous for them during grand celebrations.

The lighter grew warm in his grip, as the minute flame flickered and flashed in the darkness of the room, reminiscent to the ones from  _ The Night _ . He heard the fire whisper to him, reminding him of the faces he lost in the clutches of time. The faces the fire took away from him.

The metal lid shut with a brief click and the room fell into complete darkness. His eyes were bare to the world around him.

The fire settled but the wounds still burned. The ash remained scattered around him leaving him with the aftermath of the silenced flames.

* * *

_ "Take care of Itachi for me." _

* * *

"You're going to die from those y'know."

The grey melted into the distant golden of the rising sun. Sasuke let out another breath when Naruto settled beside him.

"That's the point, isn't it?" Sasuke replied, his eyes fixated on the view from the school rooftop. As the sun began to rise from hiding behind the far too high mountains as the darkness fled from it. In these rare moments of calm, he could ignore the distance he had set between them. In these rare moments of light, the sky did not seem to be on the verge of tears. The atmosphere was yellow-orange, like an unsaturated flame.

Sasuke withdrew from the railing, making his way back to the entrance of the rooftop before the sky could turn blue- leaving a trail of grey in his wake.

"You'll fall over if you lean over so much, you idiot."

Naruto sighed, his shoulders loosening as though he was relieving a great burden off his chest.

_ "That's the point isn't it?" _

* * *

_ There's never in between _

* * *

_ "What happened?" _

_ He remained still as the hustle of people moved past him. The speed of activities made his head spin. He held onto his brother's sleeve- anchoring Itachi's almost weightless body to the ground. _

_ "Where is he?" _

* * *

It would never work. She must have known. She should have known. Sasuke could do nothing but stare into the depths of green that held his gaze, firm in her frail demeanor. Her words were meant to bridge over the gap that had slowly began to mend between them. This was confirmation, this was supposed to fill the hole in both their souls, this was supposed to be two hearts coming together to create a steady beat for the both of them. This was supposed to be the beginning of rebuilding.

What went wrong?

There was no rejection. There were no tears. There was silence without an answer. Assumptions and conclusions floated between the chasm situated between them, there was no bridge that could be built. An apology came, neither knew who it was from- neither seemed to care.

These lines. These boundaries society has set in between them, the labels they chose to carry could not be ignored. These walls could not be torn down. These distances could not be crossed. This was only a reminder of where they stood and where they could not go. This was a reminder that they could never be more than what they were.

"You're scared," the voice he had shoved to the back of his mind whispered, "you're scared because you know there are no borders. Because you're a coward and a selfish bastard who thinks of no one but himself."

"Thank you, by the way," she said evenly, her voice was like a stretched rubber band- he did not wait for it to snap.

"I'm sorry."

* * *

_ The pale sheets almost hid Shisui's sickly frame. The once healthy flush of his skin seemed to be draining with his ever uneven breathing. The bliding white of the room overrun his senses. Everything smelled of disinfectant and the ever present dread that would soon follow. _

_ None of it deterred Itachi from remaining by his side. Shisui's hand was clasped in between both of Itachi's. They would share quiet conversations with one another. Itachi would run his hand through Shisui's hair when the other was asleep. Itachi was left as late as most of the night shift staff. _

Sasuke had only started his second year in high school when it happened.

_ "Itachi," Shisui breathed out softly as if any more effort would cause him pain, "how did I get you to fall in love with me?" _

_ Itachi leant into the hand that cupped his cheek. He reached out to brush the strands out of Shisui's forehead. "I could ask you the same thing." _

_ "Don't you already know?" _

_ Itachi reached over to plant a kiss on Shisui's forehead. They sat in a fragile silence, with their hands intertwined between them. _

_ "You are truly the only one I could ever trust," the Owords sat in the space around them. The glass threatened to shatter. Itachi's head settled on Shisui's shoulder. _

_ Sasuke did not catch the last exchange they made before the machine beeped in one monotonous note, leaving him helpless by the door way when the doctor's moved in while Itachi remained, still in the ever moving current of time with his hand still clasped around Shisui's. Itachi hadn't cried then. _

Sasuke peeked through the gap in the door. There was no light in the room. He pushed past the door made his way to the bed, his footsteps echoed softly against the polished wooden floor. 

"I'll go back to sleep soon, Sasuke." Sasuke settled by his brother's side. His eyes had adjusted to the darkness enough to make out the somber expression painted on Itachi's face."It was just another dream, I promise."

"What was it about?" Somehow, Itachi's gaze drew further and further away from the world around them. Sasuke reached over to guide Itachi back onto the pillow. He nesled in the space beside him, drawing the covers over then both. Itachi was too far out of reach, the demons dragged him deeper and deeper into despair. Sasuke almost believed Itachi was drowning in their lies- no, it wasn't that. They were pulling him deeper into reality.

"Shisui." Something settled in Sasuke's system- the weight nearly tipped him over. There was an ache from their loss- his brother's loss. There was anger at the man who extinguished the flame from the boy who was Itachi's lantern in the infinite darkness that threatened to consume him. The thoughts evanesced and dissipitated into the night when the silent tears fell from Itachi's cheeks. He took his brother into his arms in an effort to shield him from the demons in the dark. It was all he could do now and it seemed to have been enough because then, Itachi did not have to wake up to the reminder that Shisui was gone. That he was all alone.

He could not faze the darkness that glazed over Itachi's eyes. He could not stop Itachi from cooking too much food- he coudn't stop him from setting the table for three. Itachi was tired, crumbling under the loss the world had vested upon them. Sasuke had to keep him together. He had to gather the breaking pieces because he wouldn't know what to do if he fell apart.

* * *

_ These nightmares always hang on _

_ past the dream _

* * *

"Who are the people you care about?"

The lights were still so blinding. He exhaled a breath of grey to block it out. "I only care about two people."

Dr Senju showed no signs of relenting in a pursuit fir the answers Sasuke could not give her. "Just two?"

"I don't need any more."

She rested her notes on her desk, "who are they exactly?"

He glanced at her, there was nothing he could say. She knew. The two names were in her possession, written in a handwriting he recognized belonged to a child lost in the many years that passed. The script was old, but the intentions were ever so true.

"What's the point of caring about someone if you'll just lose them."

"Is that what you're afraid of?" He felt her grip on his soul, someone was trying to get through the walls. "The heartbreak of losing someone?"

The ashes settled on his trousers, the light just seemed to grow brighter. There was no smoke he could hide behind. "That's what killed Itachi, wasn't it?"

* * *

He strode past the figure that inhabited the hall. Somehow, he isn't where he thinks he is. He's taken back to two seperate events with one outcome. The smell of alcohol burns his mind and settled the dread in his stomach.

_ "Take care of Itachi for me." _

_ He took Itachi's seat by Shisui's bedside, staring at the person he once knew as the boy who adored his older brother materialize into the teenager that was forced to carry the weight of the Uchiha fortune so that Itachi didn't have to. What remained before him was the remanants of that boy, barely scraping the surface of adulthood, dying with an uncurable poison spreading through his body because of a politician who was too ignorant to acceot the truth. _

_ But here he was. The boy who constantly stole Itachi away. The boy who taught him so much and swore to protect him and Itachi. The man his older brother loved with everything he had. Shisui was dying. Shisui was dying and no one could do anything about it. _

_ "Shisui," Sasuke uttered in the fragile atmosphere between them. "Thank you." _

"Sasuke," he turned to meet still teal eyes. He and Gaara fell into slower steps, their destination seemed to haunt them in the fully lit hallway. Gaara said nothing when they came to a stop. The world began to blur around him.

_ "I'm sorry, Sasuke. This is the last time." _

Why didn't the whispers stop? Why did this place bring it all back?

_ He couldn't breathe. He didn't have the voice to speak his brother's name. The pieces in his arms were falling apart and cutting into his skin. The marble crumbled and the glass shattered. He looked up and Itachi smiled. _

_ "No matter what you do from here on out, I will love you always." _

_ He called out a name he hadn't used since he was a child. "Big brother." _

"I'm fine." Gaara's hand rested on his elbow. His companion reached for the doorknob, both entered and understood what was to come.

* * *

Naruto looked over the sea of men and women clad in black. Sasuke and Gaara were seated closest to the altar. The words whirred together as time shifted ever so slowly, until they got up and walked up the steps. There was no trembling, just calm strides and an unbreakable silence over the words the attendance would never hear.

There was no cigarette between Sasuke's lips. His face rested on the foundations of emptiness and acceptance. Gaara and Sasuke continued to stand together, turning to each other with something untouched left between them. He could barely imagine a silenced anguish or an unfathomable recollection.

All he could think of were the ash trays Sasuke had filled to the brim. The ashes that flitted in the wind. The ashes that were all that remained of the prestigious Uchiha compound. There were no bodies he could bury- just the remnants of all the things he lost in the fire.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yeah Itachi was dead at the start of the chapter  
The politician- as you might have guessed, is none other than Danzo.  
Long story short: the Uchiha compound burnt down, leaving only Shisui, Itachi and Sasuke as survivors. Shisui gets most of the rights over the Uchiha fortune woth Itachi because he's the eldest. Shisui got assasinated by Danzo when Sasuke was around 15. Itachi died when Sasuke was 16.  
Gaara and Sasuke are visitng someone else who will remain a secret until I put out the other story in this series.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took three google docs forms to finish. I initially planned to write and finish it during my 16 hour flight to New York but ended up only creating the first few lines and adding onto them a few days after I arrived. I wrote the first few paragraphs at 2am at the hospital, a few minutes before my grandfather passed away. I didn't have the time to continue it until my 16 hour flight back to Taipei in which I wrote about 3/4 of it. I finished it earlier this morning and I don't really put out descriptions like these but this chapter seemed to become more significant to me. I could say it's all due to sentiment but I'm not very certain of it. I'm sorry for the ramble.
> 
> trigger warnings: suicide attempt and discussions of it

_ There's no sunshine _

* * *

Dusk found him on the school rooftop. The sky was too tired to cry, it's dried eyes reflected in the orange sky above him. The earth with quiet and the world was still. Gravity was calling out to him, aching to drag him under to lay with dreams and memories that were kept six feet underground.

The world was orange. Some would argue it was golden. It seemed like fool's gold in their eyes. Orange was the colour of the heat settling, the ever slow and uncomfortably warm descent into melancholy. Naruto gripped the chilled metal of the railings tighter. They said the world would end in fire or in ice and they were wrong.

The fire would collide into the ice causing the ground to shatter. The ice would melt and give way to a vast wave that would consume the world. The floods would destroy everything in its wake. The rains would drown all the flowers and the cycle continued. The heat would rise again and dry everything up leaving the ever uncertain in between to the wind who had nothing left to do but blow away whatever remained.

And the wind restlessly called out to him. It was tired of the heat and the tears and Naruto understood. It urged him on the path it would never be allowed to follow.

Naruto took a breath at the sight of the infrastructures that rolled away into the hills. There was no heat and no rain. It was just him and the wind that brushed against his back.

He was ready to let go. The wind was too.

In a split second, the view was ripped from his sight and he felt his body collide with a nearby wall. The wind howled at him to get up and all he was met with was the eyes of coals in a burning furnace.

"What do you think you're doing?" Sasuke's voice was even as the flames grew in intensity. "You were going to jump, weren't you?"

"Get out of my way—" Sasuke threw his arms in front of him and shoved Naruto away from the railings. They were suffocating in the atmosphere. Their gazes were linked while the sky melted. Sasuke dared to breathe, "you'd do this to Sakura?"

"DON'T YOU DARE," Naruto felt his entire system shake with the rage that surged through him. "YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT HER."

"YOU NEVER CARED ABOUT HER! YOU DID NOTHING FOR HER AND SHE STILL ALWAYS CAME BACK FOR YOU-" Naruto gripped the collar of Sasuke's shirt. The Uchiha did not stop him. Sasuke just watched with wide, calculating eyes. Naruto paused for breath before speaking in a voice only the wind could carry away to the sun.

"She loves you." Sasuke fought the urge to look away. Naruto's grip on his shirt loosened slowly. "And all you had to do was say something." Naruto let go. "And you didn't and now she's go-"

"I loved her." It seemed even the wind stopped to listen to the words of an ever steady flame flickering. Naruto could only stand in place. Sasuke held his head higher with only listlessness in his eyes. "Don't you see?"  _ Everyone I love dies in the end. _

The world was caught in the crash of melancholy.

"Naruto! Sasuke!" Their senses are dulled to the call of their names. Kakashi's body moved so harshy against the gentle and delicate atmosphere. The walls were open to reveal a vast desolate space, secrets were poured out but no one paid attention. Sasuke had nothing else to hide. Naruto had nothing more to lose.

There was nothing else Kakashi could do but reach out and pull the two into an embrace.

* * *

_ There's no you and me _

* * *

It would be a lie to say Kakashi wasn't worried. He was terrified.

He had known the three since they were children. He had been their cram school teacher. They were annoying and seemingly good-for-nothing— but they were his students nonetheless.

He was a friend of their families to say the least. Naruto's late father had been his mentor and Itachi and Shisui had been his underclassmen in school. Sakura's parents eventually got to know him after the frequent tutoring session the children had together. Eventually, they had grown and entered the highschool where he taught professionally.

Everything started to crumble there— or maybe he had seen the cracks and chose to ignore them as though they were just part of the ageing building. They once hyperactive kids grew mellow and monochromatic in nature. Their colours grew dull and faded like an old photograph.

Sasuke seemed to have been at the greatest risk back then. With the downfall of the Uchiha and the loss of Shisui— Kakashi wondered when Sasuke would crack. But even with the death of his beloved older brother and the passing of one of his closest friends, Sasuke continued to amaze him with the resolve that was so much like his own.

He spent so much time safe blanketing Sasuke he had turned away from the other two. Kakashi told himself that it was fine for a time— that Sakura and Naruto were the optimistic ones who would wait for Sasuke with open arms when he reached the end of the tunnel. But he was wrong.

Naruto had jumped from near the end of the first year of high school. The administrators had said he passed out and tripped over by accident—

_ "What happened?" _

_ Naruto looked away, "I fell." _

_ Kakashi faced his own ignorance without missing a beat. _

_ "Did you fall?" Naruto stared back at him, awaiting how he would continue. He saw it then and there, he saw the isolation and the restlessness. He saw the unfilled space in his empty stare. _

_ "Or did you let go?" _

He was seated with two of his students in the hospital waiting lounge. The doors had been shut and the three sat in silence. Naruto and Sasuke sat across him, with an empty space in between them. They all knew who was supposed to be there.

His students where in front of him. Two from the three kids he had watched grow up. They stared back with empty eyes and anguished souls and Kakashi was almost brought to tears. They were  _ barely alive. _ They were alive but there was a space unfilled.

Sakura wasn't there to hold them together. She wasn't there to take their hands and bridge the gap between the two.

Kakashi tried to force the words out of his throat. He wanted to claw away the ache that hung in the heavy atmosphere.

"You can go in and see her now." Kakashi sat speechless as Naruto and Sasuke stood up and made their way past him. The nurse stole his room for words. Once again, Kakashi had sat in silence, unable to do a thing.

* * *

_ There's no good times _

* * *

"Naruto, Sasuke-" Mrs. Haruno made her way over to them, lightly resting her hands on their arms. "I'm so sorry for the trouble."

"See, I always knew there was something wrong. Tell me, did she do this over a boy? Honestly I can't believe she had any excuse to do such a thing," Mrs. Haruno shook her head in a great expression of distress. "I truly wonder why she could have done such a thing. She doesn't have depression-"

Naruto felt the words at the top of his tongue but it seemed Sasuke had come to his senses first. "You wouldn't have known."

Sakura's mother blinked slowly.

"She didn't do it over a boy and she certainly didn't do it with the intention of justifying it to you afterwards. She didn't intend to  _ survive. _ Doesn't that bother you?" Naruto stared at Sasuke in brief disbelief. "Why are you concerned over how excusable it is?  _ Your daughter tried to take her own life. _ She  _ did _ try to show you she had problems but you never listened. You just brushed it off and told her to fix it but she  _ asked  _ for  _ your  _ help."

"With all due respect, she lived to try and please your expectations and the expectations of others and you did nothing to draw the line. All you did was set the bar even further from her reach."

The nurse had chosen that moment to motion Naruto and Sasuke inside. They followed her without sparing another glance at Mrs. Haruno. Naruto was still struggling to find the words to string together. But, all doubt melted away at the sight of the hospital bed and the person laying in it.

Sasuke had his feet planted by the entrance. He seemed almost desensitized to the sight. Naruto tried not to imagine the people lost in a room so similar. Naruto cautiously placed a hand on Sasuke's back, slowly guiding him over to Sakura's bedside.

She was almost paler than the sheets. She looked unsaturated in the cold whiteness of the room. Her chest rose in uneven intervals, Naruto swore his heart sank every time it hitched.

"Sakura," he began slowly because any more would have spilled the tears that sat in his eyes. "Sakura, it's us."

She winced as she stirred slightly. It was as though she was fighting to stay conscious and open her eyes. Slowly, her faded green eyes gazed up at them as she slowly sat up from her reclined position. There were still tear tracks damp against her hollowing cheeks.

Sasuke leaned over to her without a moment's hesitation. He carefully collected her in his arms and held her as though she were made of glass. He buried his head in her shoulder and clung onto her as though she would disappear if he let go.

Now it was Naruto’s turn to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter to gooo


End file.
